July 2024 Statement
Howdy folks! A quick review of what I did that was significant and a reflection.
As of August 4, 2024, my goal remains the same. If you don’t know my goals are to retire my parents, myself, and reach freedom while working a 9-5 job with debt. Came in with plenty of enthusiasm. Now not-so much anymore.
The Inevitable Depression
This is simply depressing.
For those who know what it’s like to live in a losing, cyclical game of America, you know the feeling. I’ve clocked in ~210 hours this month. Averaging about 52.5 hours a week. Even though it’s not astounding numbers of overtime, I do feel the dread. My life is wake up, get ready, work. The iconic, unfulfilling routine. A dream come true in America, indeed! I’ve been able to pay $2000 on my debt leaving me with four more months of consistent overtime! Woopy!
Excuse my sarcasm. Life isn’t so exciting. The thing that upsets me the most at the moment is I put in so much effort every single day. Hard work is a trait that only feels good when rewarded properly. The habit to keep on pushing has been biting me in the ass. Of course, working an hourly job would lead me to outcome. No matter if my effort is 2/10 or 15/10, I get paid the same. At the moment, I’ve been going 90% and higher with no reward. I always end up with less than $100 every week.
Ever since I’ve become the primary provider for the household, I’ve really bitten more than I could chew. My father has become too old to start finding work. Honestly, I want him to not work. He’s got multiple health issues already, and I feel reassured he’s not pushing himself as much as he was previously to the point where he was forced to take time off. I want to be in a position where I can fully support the both of us and he can continue supporting me by giving his life advice and rides to work.
However, in the efforts of bearing the burden on my shoulders, I can’t seem to provide anything more for myself. The bare minimum of survival of rent, minimal food, and a couple subscriptions, is all we need. Once this debt pays off, I think I can add a little more to the budget. I keep reminding myself that it’s only for a little while. It’ll only be for a certain time. Yet, in the moment, I want to fall completely into a bad side of myself. Sometimes, I want to say eff it, and end myself. The pain is too great! I’m tired of the cycle that won’t even allow me to buy one burger! Sometimes that’s all I could ever want!
I see people indulge in all the things I’ve done, and I can’t help but to just think about if I joined them. Smoking, delivering food, and going out all the time. I remember letting the hedonism get to me. I have to remind myself that, that’s a life I’m done with. Nowhere in that cycle will I find my fulfillment. I have to go against the wave if I want to live differently. I want to have a future to look forward to. A future where all of my goals are realized. Even if I can’t see the fruits of my work now, I can grasp to a sliver of hope that says “it’ll pay off.”
False Opportunities
There’s nothing wrong with losing out on opportunities. However, the feeling of relief that you could better your situation, just for it to be a a fabricated lie is a tough one. Similar to being misled in a relationship.
There were two things that I was looking forward to at the end of this month. First one was that my workplace had an internal hiring opportunity for an apprenticeship. I was so excited to take the opportunity to fast forward my goals, and learn so much more! One problem though, I needed to take a test for it. I had five days to study, and I was studying hard because I knew I could pass. Although, I was told the wrong info as my lead told me I couldn’t take it on the designated day that I was told HR that I was ready to go for. Those are the texts below:
Second thing I was excited about, was getting my wisdom teeth out! I went there for a consultation, and they were ready to take it out for me. All that was left was doing the payment. They told me 80% coverage on my insurance, but they didn’t tell me that it didn’t cover the extractions. After an overview of the expenses, I had to refuse. It was $3950! Could you believe that?! They didn’t even have payment plans or anything. I became upset. Not because I couldn’t get my wisdom teeth removed (to fulfill my dental neglect in childhood; another topic for later), but because it reinforced the idea that I truly am poor. I can’t even afford the procedure! It’s a constant reminder almost everyday that I can’t live the way I want. It’s fine once in a while, and I usually get right back up. However, arriving home, I just laid there. I didn’t want to do anything. Not even watch videos or scroll through walls of texts to distract me from the pain. I felt lifeless and hopeless, but here I am. Still holding on to what little I have left!
Statement
Current balance: -$50.18 (brother has yet to pay all his rent)
Debt remaining: $14,000
Steps towards goal:
- Uploaded a video
- Did this and the other blog post
- Couple storyboard ideas
- 52.5 hours a week
- Became more organized: Organizing My Temporary Crap Life
Reflection
What’s more depressing is, you can do everything right and still be in a terrible situation. For the most part, I did as much as I could working. Although, I think I spent too much time thinking about what to do on my creative side. Too many existential moments on the couch, bed, and the floor. I’m still new to staying committed to a job while being consistent with other endeavors as well. I’m willing to forgive myself and label my terrible use of my free time as “essential parts of the journey~”.
For now, I think I’ve done enough planning and drawing board shenanigans! I think it’s time to start throwing things into the world instead of allowing it to stay on my phone and computer! I’ll get to it then! Thank you for reading, and I hope you’ll have a good August!
